NO CAPS....*Bonus Read*

sometimes this feels like tug of war

both of us fighting to get through that door

the days of spontaneous laughter and pillow talk are suddenly no more

i know that in the present moment, everything seems to be spiraling out of control

but you are still the one that makes me whole

i understand what pressures you face being who you are

you are the best everything I have ever had by far

i still feel like you are the one for me

wrapped in your strong arms is where i always envision to be

love goes by what you feel, never by what you see

my heart has no price, for you it is always free

people say that you cannot have expections of another

but you are not just that, you are my lover

i want nothing more than to finally say those words

to feel let loose, free as the birds

all i ask is that you understand my train of thought

i am not the kind of person who desires to be bought

clearly material things are not an issue

or i wouldve gone long ago and left you some tissue

so when you start to feel like im a nag, just remember

the choices we made on that fine day in december

i am now and forever devoted to you

just wishing you would stick to what you say, and do what you do

you make me feel like im askin too much

like i should just take it, suck it up and hush

i thought i was doin right by always communicating, being real

but im starting to think that is not how you feel

instead of looking at me with a blank face

i wish you would say something in this forsaken space

doubting yourself is what got you here today

how long do you plan to live this way?

why is it that i can't talk to you?

im comin to you raw....no caps

Who the hell is Bea?!?!?

I was born early on May 28th, 1985 inside Brigham and Women's hospital to Yvonne Binns Knight and Milton Edward Daley. Two Jamaicans who came to this country for what I assume to be a better life. In contrast, for blacks in America, it wasn't that much better back then, but that's neither here nor there. I appreciate them for taking that risk and making that sacrifice so that I could have a better opportunity as a child. My mom I must give much props to. She dealt with a lot being a single mother that I will never understand. I raised hell. She bitched. Everything went back to normal. Every time. I think she just worked so hard that she just figured I would figure out how to be a woman eventually and slow down. As an adult, we now have a much better relationship, and through our thirst for Christ, are a better mother-daughter team than ever before! I thank God for her....

I was always a daddy's girl...up until I first witnessed him cheating on his first wife. I was crushed. I know now that not all relationships are perfect, and when someone feels like they are lacking something, they search elsewhere. It's human nature a lot of times. Not that is is right, but it happens. My dad has always made sure to be in our lives and it is something I can say now that I thank God for. He is cooler now to me than when I was younger, I will say that. Because of his choices, we fought a lot. But now, looking back, I feel blessed that I knew my father and he knew me. A lot of different moods, phrases I say, even the way I laugh, reminds me of him. I love my daddy!!!

I lived in the burbs in Randolph and Framingham. I also lived in Jamaica for some time. I fought through sexual and emotional abuse as a child, as a result I tend to have anger issues from time to time, but who doesn't? I have four brothers, two sisters, two nephews and two nieces I love to life! I tell a lot of jokes. I think I get that from my dad. Singing as well. I had a record deal with an independent label when I was 15. I think I missed out on a lot of opportunities because my parents were more focused on work and their personal life than the interest of us. I was dropped a year later due to skipping school and not keeping up my grades, which was part of the deal. I find myself now trying to reinvent myself musically. Making the music take on a new meaning in my life in regards to expression. When you listen to my tracks, I want you to see, feel, and live what I breathe. Deep right? I get that way sometimes. I have grown from De-lay to Montego Blu. From R&B to Neo Soul. I am also exploring some alter egos....Rawbecca Redd for starters ;)

I have lost a few fmily members throughout my lifetime, but nothing hurt me more than losing my brother Shain to a drunk driver Dec 31, 2005. He and I fought a lot growing up, but he was always my pal. He was always there for me when I needed him; when no one else could be there. I remember how left out he seemed to feel because of having to adopt my father as his own. He seemed so much to want to know his own father, but never actually expressed it. I miss him so much that it hurts me to talk about it a lot of times. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I had the displeasure of having to identify his body, plan his funeral, and sing at his homegoing service. This affected my faith for a long time after that, but I now understand that God had a greater purpose for taking him and everytime I mourn him, God hears me and comforts my heart. I WILL see him again one day. I will always be his sister and he will always be my brother. I miss you!!!

Due to my brother's passing, I moved from Boston to Virginia just after my 21st birthday. I went through an unhealthy relationship with a high school ex and during that time met the man of my dreams, the one who I was destined to spend my life with. I now value myself as a significant part of my family with my soon to be husband Jeremy. He has been such a blessing in my life that words just cannot simplify my gratitude to God for making this a reality. Jeremy has turned out to be everything I have always hoped my husband would be. I am so excited to be marrying him soon. He tells me all the time how much he loves me, how beautiful I am, how he cherishes me...and it feels so good! After all the storms I have been through, God loved me enough to ordain someone to be in my life to love me like Jesus loved the church. There's nothing more that I could ask for. Material things mean nothing to me compared to his love. We have had beautiful homes and have been homeless, but our love has never staggered. It's been four years and I am still very much in love and in awe at how this awesome man of God loves, cares, and nurtures me!

 This is who I am. Roberta Maureen Daley Earvin aka Bea....

What is it you value most in a relationship? Why?

A few relationships ago, this question would have been difficult. Lucky for me, I am with an amazing man of God that I wouldn't give up for anything. He was ordained for me and for that I am always thankful. What I most value in this relationship is the fact that we are honest with one another. I don't think that after four years I would still be GENUINELY happy. By no means will I say that he is perfect, but he does the best he can to be who God made him to be. There's nothing better than that. One day we were talking, and after dealing with people we loved who lied to us all the time, we just decided that honesty would be the main thing we would uphold. When he speaks to me, I look deep in his eyes, he looks deep in mine, and I know that no matter what he says, I don't have to second guess a thing.

Why do I value this? I value it because I know what it is like to give someone your all, and their all is full of lies. For instance, in my last relationship, he lied so much that I had to get the password for the phone, myspace, facebook, blackplanet, college email, all that! I always told him that I would know he was lying, but he would swear on his mom and grandmother's grave (who are not dead, mind you) and when he was caught out there, he would turn it around on me in some form or fashion and all of a sudden I was the culprit, aint that some ish? After three years of lies, abuse, and bullish, I was all set. The first guy that I was engaged told me once that he has six months to live. I started balling my eyes out. I loved this man! I couldn't fathom him dying. Being in an honest relationship certainly keeps other from getting in the way. If you know your man to be a liar, any girl can come up to you and say she is sleeping with him....even if she isn't. Women are a force to be reckoned with when they want your man. Just a year and a half ago, this girl was so trying to get my fiance that she tried to run me over with her car after he AND myself told her what the deal was for real.

If honesty was not an option, I would choose time. I value the time spent with him so much. After losing those close to you, you learn to appreciate the time spent with others more. Whether it's to share a laugh, cry, curse, whatever.